Super Best Friends Play: Escape From the Scrublands
by Smashfan
Summary: Liam arrives to the offices of the Best Friends with a heavy heart, he has something to tell the rest of the gang. But upon entering he discovers that Omikron has finished, Matt is gone, and Woolie and Pat are struggling to find him. Now Matt Is stuck in the Scrublands, a Hellish landscape for those who are the Scrubbiest of Lords. Can Liam, Woolie, and Pat rescue him in time!
1. Chapter 1

"Guys, come on, open the door!" Liam banged on the door with his fist. His perfect hair more frazzled than usual, if only he had woken up on time he would have been able to give it its usual three hour care session it so desperately requires. But today was different than usual. He was stressed, burdened with something he needed to tell his friends. He had rehearsed it through over and over on the metro. He banged the door again, the words slipping his mind now. Why the Hell weren't they answering?

"I left my keys at home guys! Open up!" He huffed and put his hand at his head. What were they going to say? Woolie would probably give him a pat on the back, tell him it was alright. He was usually pretty chill about that. Pat would laugh, make some kind of joke or petty remark, but in the end he would understand. Matt though... Liam face palmed when he remembered that Matt left a spare key. He bent down to the Punisher welcome mat at his feet and grabbed the spare from under it. With a deep breath, he unlocked the door ready with a joke. "You fuckers thought I couldn't solve a simple room escape huh?"

His voice echoed against an empty space. He tilted his head. He thought they were recording today, where was the usual sounds of anguish and despair? The suffering, the terrible terrible suffering that they had been enduring since fucking August. Where was it? "Guys? Hello?"

"Liam!" A voice shattered the silence. Shrill and incoherent, the familiar cries of Pat. Liam moved for the room it came from. He was still getting used to their new office, so it was a little confusing at first, but he was able to find the room. As he rounded the corner he was greeted not with the usual jabs at his hair or love of anime, but with the horrified gazes of Pat and Woolie, who stared at a fizzled screen. The scene was shocking, he had never seen his friends so terrified. But someone was missing. Where was Matt? His eyes connected with Woolie's, who spoke with abhorrence.

"The Cage... Matt's in the Cage."

Liam's face fell. A chill ran across the room, and the only sound was the fractured fizzles of a fucked up TV. Pat made noises similar to a baby-man trying to talk for the first time, so similar in fact it _was_ noises made by a baby-man trying to talk for the first time.

"How?" Liam finally spoke.

"We beat the game!" Woolie said, a gasp of happiness finding its way through the words. "We were staring at the credits, so happy that we never EVER had to play it again. I turned to go and grab the game we were gonna record for the next Friday Night Fisticuffs."

"It was Blazblue" Pat chimed in.

"Yeah Blazblue, but when I turned back-"

"There was a fucking light show man!" Pat yelled out, no longer able to hold back the hysterics. "Like... these arms or whatever came out of the TV and just took him! And Cage was laughing at us! LAUGHING!"

"The fuck are we gonna do?! I'm not prepared for magic bullshit!"

Liam had a hard time wrapping his head around this. He went over to the TV and slapped it. The picture fizzled and bent, but nothing came on it. He turned back to the others. "So he's just... in there?"

"Would we fucking lie to you man?" Pat stood and jabbed Liam. "Matt's gone!"

"Well then we gotta get him back!" Liam said, picking up the controller. Woolie slapped it out of his hands.

"What are you doing?"

"Well he's in there right? In the game? If we reset it then maybe we can go in there and find him."

Pat's eyes widened. He scrambled for the controller and unplugged it, feverishly wrapping the cords around it. "Do you really want to start that shit again? We almost died Liam!"

"Okay come on, now you're exaggerating."

"Matt was the main one on the controller Liam! The game knew that and took him! Do you want the same thing to happen to you?"

"If it means getting Matt back! Yeah!" Liam grabbed the controller but Pat wouldn't let go, sputtering random no's and curses at him. Liam eventually pried it from his hands and plugged it back in. Woolie raised his hands.

"Liam I know this might seem like what we need to do, but I'm telling you there ain't no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, just a dumpster fire. There has to be another way."

Liam paused as his hand hovered over the keyboard, ready to reset the emulator. He considered Woolie's words, but also considered all of the things that Matt had done for them. He had given them all the chance at such great jobs, and at talking about all of their favorite games and being a part of such an amazing community. He looked up to Woolie and Pat, both now gazing at him. He could tell, they too were afraid. Their best friend was now gone.

"Well... it's the only thing we got so..."

He reset the emulator an sat between Pat and Woolie. The screen went black for a moment. They sat in silence, waiting for the game to begin. But as the seconds turned to minutes it was clear something was wrong.

"What's going on?"

"Emulation's probably fucked." Pat groaned. "This thing has been Hell to get going."

"Then I'll just reset it." Liam did so, and sat back down. But nothing happened.

"Try pressing something." Woolie said. Liam mashed on every button, but nothing happened. Pat let his head rest on his hand.

"Matt's dead." He said and got up. Liam shook his head. This was getting dumb. Pat crossed over to the door. "I'm gonna go tell his wife, you guys want anything when I get back?"

"Oh I'll have a-" Woolie began, but a sharp noise invaded their eardrums. They cringed and held their ears as it tortured them. Pat was on the floor, yelling. Liam sacrificed his left ear and tried to press buttons again but it wasn't working. A pixelated laugh followed the noise, and seemed to last for a full a minute before finally dying down. By now, they were all puddles on the floor. Woolie was the first to sit back up, holding his head in his hands. "What the Hell was that?"

"Fuck me..." Liam said, his eardrums still ringing. "Why- what- why-?

"Guys! Look!" Pat pointed at the screen. Previously blank, it now had a map and words on it. Liam squinted his eyes and tried to read it.

"I- If- Uh... Do lint shack?"

"Oh no..." Woolie sighed and leaned back. "Fuck this. It's that dumb ass Omikron font."

"Oh." Liam blinked with the realization that they were right about how shitty Omikron was. Pat sat back down on the couch.

"It says if we want him back we have to find the source."

"How the fuck could you read that?" Woolie said as he got back on the couch.

"Dude we've been playing this shit for four months. I practically am omikron now."

"So what does it mean?" Liam sat back up as well, controller ready in his hands.

"I don't now man, it's more cryptic bullshit."

Liam stared at the words. Today began with so much to dread, adding this debacle only made things worse. But as he gripped the controller, he couldn't help but feel it was meant to be so. The weight of the world on his hands, he stroked his beard and sighed. "Okay. Let's play."

Matt's eyes fluttered open. Three things became immediately apparent to him. The first was the unmistakable stench of salt heavy in the atmosphere. The second was that the screams of the damned sounded far different than he expected them to sound. He always thought they would be shrill and terrifying, but these sounded more like aggravated sighs and johns being called out. Like Woolie is what he was trying to get at. The other was that being upside down was a lot less fun when your arms and legs and indeed your entire body was wrapped in a giant rope. He turned his gaze down, or uh was it technically up, and saw his treasured Punisher beanie lying on the ground, which was comprised mainly of dirt and some sort of liquid substance. The entire affair reminded him vaguley of the Evil Within. Still, it was better than playing Omikron.

"Oh shit!" He yelled, as he realized what he was just doing.

"Pipe down!" An unfamiliar voice shrieked. Matt tried to look for it, but there was nothing but darkness in front of him.

"Who said that?"

"I said pipe down!" The voice was raspy like an old woman who should really be dead.

"Sorry ma'am! Sorry!"

"Will you just shut up already you fuckin'-" The rest of the sentence was lost in mutterings of curses and racial slurs. If Matt didn't know any better, he was talking to Pat. He could tell the voice was coming from behind him, so he tried to twist himself around. The process was about as graceful as a manatee learning how to walk, but it was more or less effective. He slowly spun around but quickly wished he hadn't.

This person, if you could even call them one, was also upside down and in ropes, but their face was crusty and old. Where their eyes should have been was just a second mouth, reconstructed with the remains of their eyelids and the surrounding skin. Matt wanted to barf, but was unsure as to how that would work while he was upside down.

"What the hell happened to you?!" He cried. The eyeless man made a bizarre expression of anger that somehow combined both of his mouths.

"Are you still talking?!"

Matt would have gladly shut up if it meant never seeing this abomination talk again. He felt his stomach churning, but held it. "This is one fucked up nightmare."

"Feh yeah that's what they always say." The Eyeless man gagged on something in his throat and spat it out of his top mouth. Matt's emotions toward the act were caught somewhere between love of how weird it was, and once again his stomachs eagerness to just splooge right out of him. He swallowed his sick and tried to think clearly, but the blood rushing to his head was making it hard.

"Where am I?"

"Do I really NEED to ask you to shut up again?"

Matt was getting frustrated. How could this thing even hear him? Its ears were wrinkled and crusty, they looked like they would fall off if he so much as blew on them.

"Hey! It's not my fault I'm stuck here like this!"

"Oh my God I can't wait to see what they do to you."

"Who's they? What are you talking about?"

"Johns."

"Huh?!"

"Johns! Johns! We've got Johns over here!" the thing began to cackle out of both of his mouths, so much that saliva was dripped and splashed between the two of them. The quiet room suddenly erupted in a flurry of voices, all repeating the same phrase.

"Johns! Johns!"

"Ey Johnny! Johns here! Ha ha!"

Matt looked about frantically, but couldn't see much of anything. "What are you all talking about?"

"I warned ya kid." The Eyeless man said. "You should have stayed quiet."

Several loud thumps echoed in the distance. Matt began wriggling about in his cocoon, but he couldn't shake the ropes off. The thumps got closer, footsteps. Large footsteps. Matt was sweating now, a sensation that didn't mesh well with the salt air. He heard yelps and cries amid the chanting, whatever was coming was coming closer. He kept wriggling, trying desperately to break free. His left arm, clenched at his side, got a little more room. He gasped and tried to keep it going, moving the arm back and forth in what little room he had made. The footsteps, now louder than ever, were making a beeline for him. If he could just get the arm out-

"Yipe!" He shrieked, a giant hand wrapped around him and pulled him and his cocoon up. He was turned right side up and lifted. Matt's breath was harsh now, making him wish he listened to Trainer Pat more about getting off of that dumb fitness plateau. The hand stopped, and Matt tried to catch his breath. All seemed to go still, even the chanting seemed to stop. Matt looked up at the darkness in front of him. It seemed endless, expansive, and then all at once too bright. Matt squinted as his eyes adjusted, only to reveal a massive single solitary eye staring back at him. If Matt could un-clench his ass now, he would surely shit his pants.

"Uh... yeah! Johns! On that other guy!" Matt was bullshitting harder than he ever had before. "I think he's a few body bags down uh.." The beast roared, revealing countless tongues intertwined with teeth and gums. It snapped him off of the string that was holding him and carried him away. He could the other thousand voices laughing and cheering him off.

"Yeah well, fuck you guys too! W- whoa!" He fell for what felt like a thousand feet onto a wooden slab. He was still trapped, but quickly began trying to wiggle free once more. He looked above him to see giant tools all assembled on what could only be described as the Devil's workbench. It dawned on Matt that would be a sick name for a heavy metal band and he mentally took note of it for later.

The beast towered over him. Matt couldn't see its face, but he could see its arm outstretched picking a tool for the job. Matt realized what was going on. If he didn't get out of there, he would soon look like eyeless, or even worse. He shuddered, and continued work on his one sort-of-kind-of-not-really free arm. If he could just get his hand out from under the ropes he could-

WHAM! A massive ratchet fell over him, his body caught between the two clamps. He saw the monster at the other end of the handle, tightening a screw. The clamps edged closer and closer with each turn. Matt didn't have much time. He wrestled more with his arm. The scraping of the wood against the clamps became his timer. He shifted, moved, jimmied, prayed, until his arm finally flew out from their bondage!

"YES- OWOW!" his fingers banged against the ratchet. He sucked on them for a moment, until he felt the cold metal touch his body. Right. Wasting no time, he wrestled with the rest of the ropes until they were untangled enough for him to push himself upward and kick his body away from the terrible ratchet.

Dusting his coat, he stood up thanking God for the save. A sharp roar interrupted the small victory, and Matt was blindsided by a swipe from the monsters hand. He tumbled over to the edge of the bench and nearly fell off, but grabbed the edge just in time. He looked below him, it seemed to be an endless drop into nothingness. But if the monster had made all that noise, there had to be some sort of ground. He looked back up and saw the monster's disgusting maw as it leered over him. Well, he thought, I've made worse decisions in my life. With a sharp breath, he let go of the ledge and yelled out as he fell.

The ground was softer than he thought, but harder than he had hoped.

He survived, though not quite sticking the landing. He tumbled over on his stomach and pushed himself up, feeling the squishy texture of the ground reminded him that he hadn't thrown up yet. The sound of the monsters feet reminded him he needed to run. Now. With no real idea of where to go, he took the only option he could think of: back the way he came.

Faster than Woolie when a new episode of ReBoot comes on, he ran behind the monster and kept going. Soon, several cocoons like the one he had just escaped from came up out of the shadows. He pushed and knocked himself past each one, hearing the yells of those trapped inside as he did. Some were cried of help, disdain, or cheers for Matt to escape, but they all came form the same mismatched morsels of teeth, eyes, hair, and bone. Matt dared not look at any one of them longer than he needed to. He had to escape.

"Hey! Hey!" The Eyeless one. He was back where he started. He stopped in front of him. "Oh thank God." The Eyeless one said. "You came back for me! Oh praise the Lords! Please, please, get me out of here. I'll help you escape, We can both get out! Please!"

Matt looked down at him, the thundering sounds of the monster were closing in. He bent down and picked up his Punisher beanie. "Sorry," he said while donning the beanie, "I don't save Johns."

Matt picked his pace back up, leaving a sobbing Eyeless One in his wake. He didn't want to think about how sobbing with no eyes worked, as he had only one thing on his mind now. Escape.

He kept running, scanning the horizon for an out. But he kept bumping into cocoons. But he saw it, a glimpse of light. He made tracks, the monster steadily closing in behind him. The salt in the air was beginning to mess with Matt's senses. His face was getting clammy and eyes were stinging. But he was so close. Just a few more feet, for both him and the monster. The light grew bigger, Matt was saved! He jumped through, but probably should have walked instead.

The light was blinding! Matt had to stumble away, he almost kept going, but nearly fell over a great cliffside which led to an endless drop. The monster came in behind him, it jumped, It's gaping maw aimed right for him! Matt dived to the side, his face meeting a cloud of dirt. He looked back to see the monster's massive body falling off of the cliff and into nothingness. He scrambled to the edge and looked down, it seemed so small now as it looked up and cried out. But none would help it, and soon it disappeared into a dense cloud.

Matt sat back up and leaned against the wall of whatever he just came out of. He took slow deep breaths and let himself calm down. Wiping the sweat form his brow, he scanned his surroundings. It was a place unlike he had never seen before, land masses that seemed to stretch forever into the horizon all floating in a red and black sky. Each place was like a different world. He could see fire, flames, a twisted carnival, great buildings that stretched up, and mountains that spiraled down. Other monsters like the one he just escaped stomped the other islands, and for some reason an IHOP could be seen too. Matt sat back and took a moment to take it all in.

"Well..." He said to himself "I guess I'm at Woolie's."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The brisk streets of Montreal was familiar territory to the Best Friends. They knew the ins and outs of the alleyways, the metros, that place where they got arrested one time. All the usual haunts and backdrops of their lives all seemed much more important now. Liam realized this as they walked by each one, for he would find himself remembering what good times they've had. And further realizing what a bad time they were having now.

"This stupid map is dumb!" Pat yelled, snapping Liam out of the daze he was in. "It's just pulling us around in circles! I don't even recognize where it's trying to take us!"

Woolie snatched the map out of Pat's rabid hands before he could tear it to shreds as he was oft wont to do. He looked over it, turning it this way and that trying to find some way to understand it. "Maybe if you hadn't have copied it down with crayon we wouldn't be lost."

"Matt didn't buy any pens for the office! What else was I supposed to use?!"

"No pens, only crayons." Liam said as he reached for the map. "It was in the fine print of our contracts."

Woolie nodded and brought his arms up and behind his head. Pat sneered at the stupid anime pose he was doing. "Matt always did know how to keep things light."

"You're acting like he's been dead for years! It's only been like two hours!"

"Two hours spent wandering around." Liam said. "Wasn't the monitor hooked up to the computer Pat?"

"Yeah so?"

"Couldn't we have just.. printed it?"

Pat stopped dead in his tracks. He looked like he was about to burst and that was a mess, Liam decided, he didn't want to clean up. Woolie snickered in his place and turned to Pat. "You stupid idiot."

"You didn't think of it either!" Pat finally said. "I may be a stupid idiot but I'm owning up to it, coward!"

"Easy, easy, I was just joking."

Liam decided to ignore their usual bickering. He held the map up and tried to decipher it. The red crayon made it hard to see but it didn't look like that would have mattered. The map itself was oddly designed. Street names were absent, instead it was more of a pattern. There was a mark near the center of it all which had to be where they needed to go. He couldn't help but feel like the lines looked familiar, almost like a tunnel system. Then it dawned on him.

"Guys, we need to get to a metro."

"Huh?" Woolie said. But Liam was already moving. The two followed him. They made it to a crowded metro station and fought to get down the stairs. Woolie had no problem making his way through the masses, Pat and Liam on the other hand had some issues. Pat pushed himself through, at one point making a baby cry. Liam just got into a rhythm of slipping in and out of the crowd, until eventually they were all down the stairs.

"I hate the Metro." Pat said.

"Me too" Liam and Woolie agreed and continued onward. Liam stopped at a display that detailed all the lines. Liam held up the map and pressed it against the display. The lines matched. What was more, the dot was situated perfectly along one of the lines.

"Agh, of course!" Pat said. "It's the metro!"

"So if that dot is where we're supposed to go, then that means..." Woolie's eyes widened as he realized what had to be done. "We're going into the tunnels?"

Liam nodded. "That's right boys, it's a fucking underground level."

"Godammit." Pat groaned. "God fucking dammit."

"How are we even gonna get down there?" Woolie said. "The path is gonna be blocked and security is gonna kick us out! Not to mention the crowd!"

"Why couldn't Matt have waited until after the Holidays to get killed?"

Liam looked around, the crowd was big enough to do things without attracting too much attention. The turnstiles were loud and obnoxious, anything could really be put through them. He craned his neck to try and get a view of the tunnel they were at. He could see a couple security guards, a man in a Metro work uniform walking past them, and of course the sight of a train speeding through the station well over the speed needed to crush someone into a flattened mess of organs and bits of skin. Liam shuddered at the thought and turned back to the others.

"Which tunnel does it say we need to go to?"

Pat re-examined the map. "Looks like somewhere near Outermont. Right in the center of this mess."

"We're at Mount Royal." Woolie said. "That's a pretty good walk."

"Then that's where we're going." Liam said and folded the map back down. He motioned for them to follow as they proceeded for the turnstiles. Pat grabbed Woolie's arm and let Liam walk ahead a ways before they both continued.

"Does Liam seem a little different than usual?" Pat said.

"I mean, Matt IS missing, seemes pretty reasonable for him to be a little stressed."

"But before that. He was just as strange. Like he's hiding something."

Woolie watched Liam as he scanned his card at the turnstile. His eyes were determined, sharp. Not at all the doe eyed look he usually had. "Yeah... you know you're right."

"Think we should talk to him?"

"Later." Woolie said and scanned his way in. "Right now we need to focus on getting Matt."

Liam was already nearing the tunnel. The security guard was pacing about. Liam tried to study his pattern, but this wasn't exactly a metal gear game. He was random. Liam found a bench to sit at, and was soon joined by the others. "We need some kind of distraction. Whatcha got?"

Pat blinked. "You mean now?"

"Yeah. Now."

Woolie and Pat exchanged glances. As they did, A train pulled into the station. Woolie stood up. "I got this."

He neared the train, careful to avoid getting swept up in the crowd. After doing a double check to make sure a guard was looking, he cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted at the top of his lungs. "Chie is best waifu!" Some people in the crowd stopped. Others shook their heads at his actions and kept moving. Woolie stood in the doorway and kept yelling. "All other waifu's are trash! How can you possibly think otherwise? Chie is best waifu!"

Pat facepalmed. "We're fucking doomed." but Liam lit up. He stood and yelled back, "Miku bitch!" Woolie's face snapped over to him. He concealed a grin as he let the waifu wars begin. "The fuck did you say to me punk?"

"You heard me!" Liam said, and approached Woolie. By now the guards were watching. One of them spoke into their radio. Liam saw this and acted fast. He stomped on the ground as though he were an animal in a dance to assert domination. "Miku can sing AND she has an ass that won't quit!"

"Skinny little Miku ain't got nothin' on Chie! Chie is strong, she can kill you with motherfucking shoe!"

"Least I've seen Miku in real life!" this one elicited some 'ooh's' from the crowd. Including from Pat, who stood to move for the tunnel.

"You little-" but before Woolie could finish, one of the guards got in front of him and pushed him back. "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to back off."

"And who do you think is the best waifu huh?"

"Sir I-"

"Yeah come on!" Liam shouted, now really into it. "Miku or Chie?! Choose man!"

The guard looked exasperated. It had been a long day for him. His kids had woken him up early for a breakfast they had cobbled together out of fried eggs and not too well cooked bacon. His ex-wife had summoned him to court again for custody. On the ride to work that day, he had to pee really bad and barely held it long enough. A small stain could be seen on his pants if one looked close enough, and Johnson had received the promotion even though he had been there far longer than him. His lunch was cold, his throat was dry, and every night for the past six weeks he's held a gun to his throat and promised himself he would never ever pull the trigger. And now he had to be the referee in a fucking waifu war. "I don't care." He finally said.

"They're both wrong anyway!" A random voice from the crowd called out. "It's Bayo!"

"Fuck Bayo!" Woolie almost gagged on the accursed sentence, but he had to commit. Pat was edging closer to the tunnel. "Bayo is garbage compared to sassy ass Chie!"

"Miku!"

"Bayo!"

"Sir please." The other guard was now with Liam. She was also having a bad day, but preferred not to think about it in the line of duty. "No one is saying you're wrong."

"He is!"

"Callie!" Another voice. Joined by a smattering of other waifu defenses.

"It's fucking Marie!" Said a fourth voice. Liam noticed each voice was male and felt bad for his gender.

"Marie is garbage!" the Callie Defender cried and stepped out of the crowd. Though decidedly overweight, he was visibly strong. "That Splatfest was rigged!"

The Marie Defender stepped out, and was an even match. He gritted his teeth. "You're just salty."

The Callie Defender screamed and ran for the Marie Defender, who braced for impact. Soon their scuffle was accompanied by cries from all over the other metro until all that could be heard was the names of countless fictional women. As they fought, the guards ran and tried to oull them apart. One of them grabbed their radio. "We have a Code 114 at Mount Royal. Send backup! Repeat-" She was caught off when another pair of fighters fell out form the crowd, one strangling the other. Through gritted teeth, the strangled man wheezed, "S- Sailor M-Mercury!"

This soon became the seen all around the metro. Dozens of nerds piling over each other to prove who had the best waifu. One tried to tackle Liam, who threw him over his shoulder. "Len!"

"She's a fucking kid man!" Liam cried. He looked up to Woolie who was actually giving a beating to someone wearing a Rise shirt. Liam ran over to him, and swore he saw blood fly off the poor man's face.

"Fuck. You. Rise. Is. SHIT!"

"Woolie! Woolie! It's not worth it! Woolie!"

Woolie snapped out of it, but not before letting a look of joy slip form his face. "Sorry... I uh..."

"Don't worry about it. Look!" He jabbed a finger at the tunnel entrance where Pat was waving them in. With no guards watching, this was their chance. They ran over. Woolie ducked under a punch as Liam jumped over a the body of a man who was screaming "ONCE-LER" at the top of his lungs. Woolie and Liam steadily made their way past the bodies, the horrors of what would soon be called the Waifu Incursion, and slipped into the tunnel. The names of their waifu's followed them into the darkness and echoed throughout.

Woolie took a moment to reassemble his thoughts. The whole moment was a little surreal to him. Had he just particpated, nay, enacted ina fucking waifu war? Pat punched Woolie in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"Chie is trash." Pat said, his little babby brow furrowed. Liam rolled his eyes.

"come on guys knock it off."

"But that was fucking insane!" Pat said. "Guess we got lucky that there was a crowd of weeaboo's in the Metro."

"It's 2016." Woolie said. "Everyone's a weeaboo."

"Yeah..." Liam said, the name of his fondest waifu playfully fell into his mind. His face fell. "It's pretty messed up though..."

"What do you mean?"

"That so many people would go crazy over a stupid fictional character. For Gods sake's we all have girlfriends, don't we?"

"Yeah but... it's just a fun dumb thing isn't it?" Woolie replied, but the reality was hitting him too. They both looked over at Pat who was clearly trying to come up with an explanation for the madness. After a moment, he looked back to them.

"Do... do we look like that?"

The trio looked ahead, each mind wrestling with that thought. For Liam, it wasn't just about the Waifu Incursion. If something they did could have so much impact that it could hurt people, was it worth doing? The expanse of darkness which lay before them was intimidating, and the chances of a train careening into them was extremely high. But if Matt was to be saved, this was the only way forward. Liam tightened his jacket around him and took a deep breath. This night was going to be the longest he had ever had.

Matt bent over and threw up over the cliffside. The smell of salt was making his entire nervous system flare up, and his stomach had finally caught up to him. But as he watched his vomit fall into the nothingness below, he was somewhat entranced by the fact he hadn't heard it hit any type of bottom. Sniffling, he stood up and wiped the remaining vomit off of his mouth. Now fully disgusted with himself, he sat back on the floor and sighed. "Alright nightmare! You win! Imma just wait here for it to end thank you very much. Nothing's gonna happen, no one's gonna try to kill me, I'm just here and that's that."

Matt mused, maybe since this was a dream he could conjure up some form of entertainment. He tried to imagine a strip club, or a video game to play, or a monkey throwing poop at another monkey. Just as it seemed like nothing was going to happen, he heard the pitter patter of some sort of machine in the distance. On the horizon, he caught a glint of the device. It looked like a yellow vespa, though it was in the air. It rushed for his direction, its pilot expertly maneuvering around the islands and random bits of rock. When it got closer, Matt noted that the pilot was female and wearing a tight corset with skulls on it. She also had a helmet to match. Matt smirked, it wasn't a monkey but it would do.

He stood up and dusted minute traces of viscera from his pants. She skidded to a halt in front of the cliff and jumped off. Her pointed boots stabbed the ground as she walked over. Saying no words, not even lifting her helmet, she approached Matt.

"Uh... hi." Matt uttered, and was interrupted by her leaning into him. She moved her head up and down, scanning him. He backed away, but squished into the wall of the cave he had just escaped. She stood on the tips of her boots, also pointed, and leaned over him. "Uh.. um... please don't kill me." Matt grinned. The woman raised her arm, which Matt noticed was gloved up to her elbow, and tapped the side of her helmet. This activated a slit which uncovered her eyes. "Who are you?"

"I'm uh... Matt.."

"Did you kill him?"

"Kill who?"

"The Johnsman! I saw him fall from the island! Did you kill him?"

"Uh... buh... w-well- I-"

The woman groaned and grabbed Matt by the shirt. She lifted him to her level. "If you didn't, I imagine you would be telling me who did right about now. Right?"

"I- I did! I- I mean I didn't! He fell! I just ran away!"

She dropped Matt, who fell to the grimy floor once more. He was really getting tired of doing that. He looked up and watched her pace over to the Vespa. She bent down and dug around in the back. Matt tried to be a gentleman and not look at her leather clad ass, but he felt his face getting a little hot. It got cold again when she flipped back to him carrying what looked like a large bazooka. He shrieked and tried to see if there was a way out, but as far as he could tell there was no way off of this island. She lifted it up to her shoulders and prepped it. Twisitng little knobs and pressing buttons. Just as Matt was sure he was going to wake up in a cold sweat, she pointed the bazooka up and shot into the air. Three, four, five shots of mortar that exploded into fireworks above them. Matt raised a brow and looked back down to the woman. The helmet was now completely removed revealing her ling brunette hair and freckled face. She grinned as she looked back down to Matt who was now standing and shaking with questions.

"Congratulations!" She said, her demeanor now a lot happier. She tossed the bazooka back into the Vespa without even looking and struck a weirdly cute pose. "You're the first and only John to successfully defeat the Johnsman and move into the ranks of the Scrublords!"

"The- wha-?"

"Oh wow!" She said and ran over to him. Her energy was so different than before. It was like Matt was talking to a completely different person. She gave him a big hug and looked him in the eyes. "You're a new one AND you beat the Johnsman! That's amazing! What did you say your name was again?"

"Uh... Matt?"

The woman squeeled, turned Matt around so they were facing the same direction and snapped a selfie. Though Matt only got a glance at it, it was the weirdest looking smartphone he had ever seen. She whipped around and tapped a few buttons on it. "There! To commemorate the first step of Matt the Scrublord into ascension! Wow! This is gonna be a great day! I can already tell!"

Matt was bewildered. She was moving so fast he could barely get a handle on the situation. He let his head catch up and finally formed a question. "When can I wake up?"

"Wake up?!" She beamed and stifled a laugh. "You're not asleep dummy."

"Yeah I am. Now come on, just like, push me over the edge or something and wake me up"

Before he could say anything else, she pulled him in and planted a kiss right on his lips. He immediately shoved her off and staggered backward. He stepped back to try and retain his balance, but touched nothing but air and continued to fall backward off the face of the cliff. He screamed, seeing the unending fall that lay before him. This was stopped when his leg was grabbed by the woman.

"You need to be more careful." She said and swung him around. "If that's how you react to a little kiss, the sting of death is going to hurt!"

"Stop and pull me back up please!"

With a haughty smirk, she pulled him back up and helped him to his feet.

"Who the hell are you?!" Matt cried, now fully aware that he wasn't dreaming. The Woman chuckled and leaned on her Vespa.

"My name's Connie. I'm one of the few Johns who managed to escape my punishment as well. Though I never expected to see the Johnsman defeated."

"Woah woah okay hang on a second." Matt said, rubbing his head in confusion. "All this is kind of flying over my head here. You're telling me that I almost fucking died for real?"

Connie teetered back on her feet. "Kinda yeah. Well, you're already dead."

"What?!" The sentence hit Matt like the announcement of a new David Cage game. He was dead? Everything he ever knew, all his friends, his family, his wife, gone? He looked around once more, now really taking it all in. "So... this is Hell?"

"No. These are the Scrublands. A playground of punishment designed for the saltiest of scrubs and Johns to be punished as the Scrublords see fit."

"I'm not supposed to be here." Matt said. "This is wrong. I don't know how but... I don't belong here."

"Well clearly you are, if you could beat the Johnsman! Do you realize that a Scrublord hasn't been killed in like 1000 years? That's some chosen one shit right there." She crossed her shoulders and huffed, like she had just bestowed some great truth to Matt. But Matt didn't really care. He needed to get back home. Somehow, he knew, there had to be a way.

"how did I even die? Last thing I remember I was... playing Omikron. Oh dammit! Are you serious?! Really?!" He stomped and moaned, the agonizing thought of actually being killed while playing a video game was too much for him. Much less a David Cage game.

"How do I get out of here?"

"Get out?"

"Oh come on there HAS to be a way out! Isn't there, like, a Hell path that leads back up or something? What else were all those country songs singing about?"

"No John has ever escaped the Scrublands silly."

"Can you stop calling me that?!"

"Sorry. That's what you are. A John. Is all in the hierarchy you see. There's Johns, Scrubs, and Scrublords."

"You're kidding me. A whole fucking hierarchy based on the FGC?"

"Yeah! You're probably here because of some terrible sin committed in the name of the FGC." Matt shrugged his shoulders. The fighting segments in Omikron would certainly do it then. He calmed down a moment.

"Wow. You really don't want to be here huh?"

"Fucking duh! I'm not supposed to be here! If anything Pat is! He played the game more than I did! Plus he'd probably be right at home in all this filth." He shook his head, now was not the time to be making fun of Pat, as much as he wanted to. Now was the time to escape.

"Well... you knoooow, if you REALLY want to escape, there IS a way."

"Yeah? What is it?"

Connie beamed and began rummaging through the bag on the back of her Vespa. When she came back up, she spread out a map on the ground and pulled Matt down to it. It seemed to be a map of the Scrublands. Though it wasn't very detailed, each island was marked and named in very well practised handwriting. A far sight better than, say, if someone had drawn it in crayon. Matt didn't know why he thought that but disregarded it and focused on the map.

"So that thing you killed." Connie began. "As I already told you, it was a Scrublord. The Johnsman of the assfields."

"These names are gross."

"Welcome to the Scrublands. Anyway, there are 6 Scrublords. Each one has dominion over their own section of the lands and thereby divvy out their own punishments for the sins of the FGC. If you can manage to go and kill each one, you might be able to attain their powers and escape."

"How come you haven't done this already?" Matt looked her up and down. Despite the admittedly scanty clothing, she clearly had an arsenal of weapons in that Vespa and seemed pretty battle ready.

"I've been planning it, yeah, but I can't very well go and do it."

"Why not?"

"I've been here too long. I admit I've grown used to the scenery and sights of the Scrublands, I wouldn't want to leave. But you can leave. You still have a chance! And hey, you killed one! That's a lot farther than I've ever gotten."

Matt furrowed his brow. In all honesty, he was pretty skeptical that this would even work. But it was his only chance. A small one, but a chance nonetheless. And hey, he was apparently already dead. What could he have to lose? He stood back up and looked to the horizon, the sound of screams and tortorous whips and machines echoed into his ears. He took a deep breath and coughed all the salt out. "Alright." He said. "Then what are we waiting for?"

Connie squeeled and jumped to the Vespa. She scooted up as much as she could and pat the space behind her. "Come on! Let's go!" Matt gulped and sat there, it really was a tight squeeze. He tried his best not to make her uncomfortable with how close he was, but really he was the most uncomfortable person there. She giggled and grabbed his arms, wrapping them around her waist. "You're gonna fall into the Abyss if you don't hold on silly."

"Uh... heh yeah. Hey uh, if you feel anything weird back here..."

"Oh come on.. We're in the Scrublands!" Her helmet wrapped itself back around her head, and her voice became low and seductive. "Thuggery is encouraged."

With that, she revved the engine and careened out onto the open air. Matt could swear he saw speed lines zip past them as they zoomed away. It was then Matt realized the fatal flaw in their entire plan. He sighed. "Oh man... I don't have my gwasses."


End file.
